The Raven
by ishandahalf
Summary: Remy's attempts at asking Rogue out finally yield the desired result due to the odd mix of a psychotic mother, Kitty's cooking, and a book of poetry. Based on Edgar Allan Poe's 'The Raven'. Oneshot, ROMY.


**Disclaimer**: I don't own the X-Men, or "The Raven". I do, however, own this twisted idea! After all, only a brain as bizarre as mine could have come up with something like this…

**A/N**: I honestly don't know where this came from – I was reading Poe and the plot bunnies just attacked me! I know I should be working on "Symbiotic", but frankly, I just couldn't get myself going on that. I took a little break to work on this, and _voilà_! Instant insanity.

So, yeah. What can I say? It's utterly pointless, but I found it rather droll – I hope you do too. Enjoy!

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**The Raven**

Once upon a midnight dreamy, while Ah disrobed, hot an' steamy,  
After many a plea an' anxious begging of a lustful beau –  
While Ah unclothed, nearly ripping, suddenly Ah stopped mah stripping,  
Due to something gently whipping, whipping at mah closed window.  
"It is some visitor," Ah muttered, "whipping at mah closed window –  
Only that an' nothing mo'."

Suddenly Ah remember mah plan ta fondle Remy's member,  
An' each separate dying ember in his eyes began ta glow.  
Eagerly Ah watched th' Cajun; – swiftly he unwrapped a Trojan  
An' mah lust began ta burgeon – burgeon for th' stud LeBeau –  
For th' rare and radiant charmer whom th' thieves had named LeBeau –  
Sexy here for evermo'.

But th' silken, slow, uncertain rustling of mah purple curtain  
Stopped me – dropped in me frustrated fury never felt befo';  
So that now, ta still th' breaching of mah heart, Ah stood there preaching  
"It is some visitor beseeching access at mah closed window –  
Some late visitor beseeching access at mah closed window –  
That it is an' nothing mo'."

Presently mah soul grew stronger; hesitating then no longer,  
"Hey," said Ah, "If someone's there, then your forgiveness Ah ask fo';  
But th' fact is Ah was stripping, an' so gently mah clothes ripping,  
When so faintly yah came whipping, whipping at mah closed window,  
That Ah scarce was sure Ah heard yah" – here Ah opened th' window –  
Darkness there an' nothing mo'.

Out into th' darkness peering, long Ah stood there, Remy leering,  
Wanting, dreaming dreams no mutant ever dared ta dream befo';  
But th' silence was unbroken, an' th' stillness gave no token,  
And th' only word there spoken was mah whispered word, "LeBeau?"  
This Ah whispered, an' an echo murmured back th' word "LeBeau!" –  
Merely this an' nothing mo'.

Back into mah bedroom turning, all mah soul within me burning,  
Soon again Ah heard a tapping somewhat louder than befo'.  
"Surely," said Ah, "surely that is something at mah window lattice;  
Let me see, then, what the noise is, an' give them th' ol' heave-ho –  
Let mah heart be still a moment an' give them th' ol' heave-ho –  
It is th' wind an' nothing mo'!"

Open here Ah flung th' shutter, when, with many a flirt an' flutter,  
In there stepped th' stately Raven in th' clothing of a ho;  
Not the least attention gave she; not a minute stopped or stayed she;  
But, with guise of lord or lady, perched on top of mah bureau –  
Perched next to a box of condoms just on top of mah bureau –  
Perched, an' sat, an' nothing mo'.

Then this azure mutant enticing my libido into icing,  
By the grave an' stern decorum of her countenance Ah know,  
"Though yah're more cruel than a lawyer, yah," Ah said, "sure ain't no voyeur;  
Should've came in through th' foyer – yah interrupted mah strip show!  
Now tell me what th' heck yah're doing, interrupting mah strip show!"  
Quoth th' Raven, "Not LeBeau!"

Much Ah marvelled this ungainly fowl ta hear discourse so plainly,  
Though the answers little meaning – little relevancy sow;  
For we cannot help agreeing that no living human being  
Ever yet was cursed with seeing bird on top of her bureau –  
Bird or mother next to condoms placed on top of her bureau –  
With demands of "Not LeBeau!"

But Raven sitting trimly next to the brand new box, spoke grimly  
Those two words, as if her soul in those two words she did bestow.  
Nothing further then she uttered, not a feather then she fluttered –  
Till Ah scarcely mo' than muttered, "Other friends have flown befo' –  
In th' morning _he_ won't leave me, as mah hopes have flown befo'."  
Then the bird said, "Not LeBeau!"

Startled at the stillness broken by reply so wrongly spoken,  
"No doubt," said Rems, "what's uttered is in attempt t' make me go  
By an unhappy mother, t'inkin' de boyfriend is a bother.  
Don' listen, don' let her smother, just continue wit' yo' show –  
Let de dirges of her hope instead encourage you yo' show,  
Boosted by '_Not LeBeau'_."

But Raven, still enticing all my libido into icing,  
Quick Ah plopped a cushioned seat in front of Momma an' bureau,  
Then upon th' velvet sinking, Ah commit mahself ta linking  
Fancy unto fancy, thinking what this terrorist mutant ho –  
What this sly, deceiving, scheming, and shrewd terrorist mutant ho  
Meant in croaking, "Not LeBeau!"

Thus Ah sat engaged in guessing, but no syllable expressing  
To th' fowl, whose fiery eyes now burned inta mah body slow;  
This an' more Ah sat divining, with mah head at ease reclining  
On th' cushion's velvet lining that th' lamp-light cast aglow,  
But while velvet violet lining with lamp-light cast aglow,_  
She_ presses on, "Not LeBeau!"

Then Ah thought th' air grew denser, cologne from a Cajun censer  
Swung by a thief whose foot-falls stealthy left mah room upon tiptoe.  
"Wench!" Ah cried, "Now he has left me – thanks to yah, yah have bereft me  
Of mah chance ta seduce Remy, who was impatient fo' mah show!  
Why, oh, why did yah leave, Remy, an' miss out on yo' strip show?"  
Quoth th' Raven, "Not LeBeau!"

"Traitor!" said Ah, "thing of evil! – traitor still, if bird or devil!  
Whether Irene sent, or whether villain tossed thee here a foe,  
Desolate yet all undaunted, put an end ta being taunted –  
Here Ah am by horror haunted – tell me truly, Ah must know –  
Is there – _is_ there reason why yah're here? – tell me – tell me, Ah must know!"  
Quoth th' Raven, "Not LeBeau!"

"Traitor!" said Ah, "thing of evil! – traitor still, if bird or devil!  
By that Heaven that bends above us – by all that Ah hold hallow –  
Ah swear now that yah will suffer, so yah better find a buffer,  
Ah will only get much tougher unless yah leave me with mah beau –  
So unless yah want me tougher, yah must leave me with mah beau."  
Quoth th' Raven, "Not LeBeau!" 

"That word's now our sign of parting, bird or fiend!" Ah shrieked, upstarting –  
Get back out into th' tempest, an' into night's darkness go!  
Leave no black plume as a token of the crap yo' soul has spoken!  
Leave mah own love life unbroken! – get yo' butt off mah bureau!  
Take yo' beak from out mah heart, an' take yo' form off mah bureau!"  
Quoth th' Raven, "Not LeBeau!"

An' th' Raven, never flitting, still is sitting, still is sitting  
By th' unused box of condoms just on top of mah bureau;  
An' her eyes have all th' seeming of a demon that is dreaming,  
An' th' lamp-light o'er her streaming throws her shadow to an' fro,  
An' mah soul's stuck in that shadow that moves flitting to an' fro.  
Ah'll be a virgin – evermo'! 

- : - : - : - : - : - : - : - : - : -

Rogue suddenly awoke with a start and a yelp, nearly falling off the seat she had curled up in. She managed to steady herself with quick reflexes, but the book in her lap wasn't so fortunate, landing on the carpet with a muffled thud.

"Y' okay, _chère_?" came a worried voice off to her side.

The goth looked over to see Remy sitting close by on the floor, in the midst of a game of Solitaire. Luckily, there was nobody else in the rec room to witness her moment of potential embarrassment; however, the only one present just happened to be the handsome Cajun charmer that she had been dreaming about.

Rogue valiantly tried to fight a blush as she recalled what sort of things she was prepared to do with him in her dream. After all, she doubted the box of condoms was around simply for decoration… Come to think of it, it had been one of those huge economy-sized boxes as well – dear Lord, had they been preparing for a marathon? That thought only made her face heat up even more.

"Ah'm fine, swamp rat," she muttered, trying to focus on anything other than her mortifying nightmare. Wait – could it really be accurately described as a nightmare? She hated to admit it, but it actually hadn't been that bad – at least, not until Mystique had appeared, that is.

"Bad dream?" the young man pressed on in concern.

"Somethin' like that," she sighed, but then narrowed her eyes suspiciously. Had he been watching her sleep? Judging by the lengths he went to be around her and the fact that he never seemed to take his eyes off her, that seemed like a pretty safe bet.

Before she could grill him, he shuffled over towards her and her dropped book, reading the spine. "Poe, henh? Y' probably shouldn' read him befo' y' sleep," the thief advised. "Not sayin' his stuff is too horrifyin' or not'in', but de mind can do some scary t'ings wit' dose ideas."

"Scary ain't th' word fo' it…"

"An' I doubt Kitty's attempt at dinner helped much eit'er."

"Oh, don't remind me," the girl groaned, her stomach doing somersaults in remembrance of the meal. "That must be it – th' food's gettin' revenge on me fo' lettin' Kitty use it in that horrible concoction…"

Remy laughed heartily, favouring her with a lopsided smile as he picked up the tome, careful to not lose Rogue's place. As he handed it over to her, he checked the page to see which story she had been reading. "Huh…"

"What?" she asked, curious at his tone.

"Not'in' really, just noticed y' were readin' 'de Raven'."

"So?"

"Must be a weird coincidence o' somet'in'… Remember earlier t'day, when we were at de park an' I asked if y' wanted ice cream?"

"Yah mean when yah were harassin' me once again, askin' fo' th' billionth time if Ah wanted ta go on a date?" she queried dryly.

"Ahh, y've been countin' my attempts, henh? Dat's a good sign," the thief grinned unabashedly. "Anyway, after y' knocked me int' de fountain an' ran off, I was actually attacked by a raven."

"What?" Rogue questioned in surprise.

"Yeah, it was really weird," he winced, rubbing the spot on his head where the crazy bird had successfully dive-bombed him. "I mean, dere were other people around, but f'r some reason de t'ing started swoopin' after me, peckin' an' cawin' an' everyt'in'."

"Yah don't say…" the girl trailed off thoughtfully, having an inkling as to who the raven really was and why it had attacked him. As bizarre and random her dream had been, perhaps it was accurate after all – Mommy Dearest appeared to _despise_ Remy LeBeau. She would most likely have a conniption if Rogue finally agreed to his persistent requests to date him! In fact, the look on her face would probably be absolutely _priceless._ Hmm…

"Between dat an' Shadowcat's attempts t' poison us all, it's been a pretty tirin' day," the red-eyed mutant then chuckled, gracefully getting to his feet as he stifled a yawn. "G'night _chère_, I'll see y' t'morrow. An' if y' want sweet dreams dis time, mebbe y' should t'ink about makin' dem about dis handsome Cajun, henh?"

There was no need to correct him, to inform him that she already had – that would only result in him strutting around the mansion with an idiotic grin on his face, which he would probably do anyway after what she was about to ask him. "Hey, Remy?"

He turned around and blinked in surprise at the fact she had actually called him by his real name. "Yeah?"

"Is that offer of a date still open?"

- _the end_ -

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What say you? Was it… apro**_poe_**? Hah, I'm so damn punny… 

Anyhoo. I had fun writing this, so I hope you enjoyed reading it. Let me know – review!

Toodles,  
- ish -  



End file.
